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Schrodinger’s Uterus

The first time the concept of “Schrodinger’s uterus” crossed my mind, I thought that I was so clever. A quick google search confirmed I wasn’t the first to think it at all. The concept is that after ovulation but before you get a positive pregnancy test (or start your period), you both are and are not pregnant. I’ve been stuck in this place for a long time and its been exhausting; full of highs and lows.

I feel like my uterus is just a terrible student. It’s late to the scheduled period and it can’t pass any tests. This whole experience of trying to get pregnant after half a lifetime of trying not to is weird. When you are on birth control and trying to avoid your fertility, pregnancy is this risk that lurks at every sexual encounter. Once you open yourself up only to find that month after month its not that easy – you feel kinda silly to have spent so much worrying about it.

But comparing now to the past doesn’t matter. Maybe in your younger years you needed that diligence to protect yourself and were more fertile, or maybe right now – no matter how scientific, diligent and calculated – all the pieces of what needs to happen to conceive just didn’t align. Its just really hard to know which piece of the puzzle you’re missing with you can’t see all the pieces that you did successfully connect.

I was hoping on Thursday to release this blog. My intent was to be able to successfully announce on the 18th day past ovulation, I finally got a positive pregnancy test. But it came back negative. So I was excited that on Saturday, I’d be able to release this blog and successfully announce our happy news. But we both know that its Sunday, and neither of those previous blogs came out. So here we are. I’m 21 days past ovulation.

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I’ve taken 4 pregnancy test (three different brands). Statistically, home pregnancy test would be 99% accurate at this point in testing my hCG levels, but alternative fertility indicators (cervix high and closed, weird muscles spasms in my stomach, headaches, period being over a week late) are still promising. So I have a Schrodinger’s uterus. I both am and am not pregnant until I have evidence that proves one way or another.

The sad thing is that I am as convinced now, as I was on the last 3 attempts, that I really am THIS TIME pregnant. And that means nothing, because I remember how sure I felt right before all the other times my period started just a few days late and all the negative tests that had truthfully tried to warn me not to get my hopes up.

I had wanted to share good news with all you of my personal success after this long weird road I found myself of of not easy fertility, but I’m still on it. I’m trying to find this silver lining in that maybe a story of not easy fertility is important to tell too. Whether I get pregnant at the end of this 42 day (and counting) cycle, its still common struggle many women face. We aren’t all the fertile myrtles of the world. Many of us have these questions that doctors can’t really explain back to us and so we are left to wait and see. Hoping the next attempt is different; that all our puzzle pieces line up and we finally pass the test.

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Wish me luck in the coming week, I’m hoping for resolution. – Meg

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